It was a warm, summer walk with my dog.
Charlie and I strolled down the neighborhood streets, under green umbrellas of shimmering and shifting leaves.
On this routine 30 minute walk, I’d use the time to clear my head from work, and all things not so important. But on this particular day, I was asked an unusual list of inspired questions…
“What is it like to be in love? How do I love to be treated? How does this make me feel?”
The questions came out of nowhere, but promptly so.
See, dating during a pandemic is difficult. Dating as a late-30s-something adds to that difficulty. And dating with strong boundaries and brutal honesty about what I want… well I felt like I had signed up for a life full of first dates.
Thus, I pondered love and wandered westward.
“Well… I love flirting in the kitchen. Being complimented daily makes me feel alive and important. I want my ass slapped randomly and daily. And I want to talk about real things, and help each other grow.”
These things mark the bond of loving companionship for me. I really felt into how each of these things would make me feel.
Important. Supported. Endless passion. Adventurous. Free. Happy.
Then, quite possibly the most important question I could ever ask, was asked…
“How can I be these things for myself?”
What an audacious, seemingly non-sequitur question. Carried on the warm summer breeze to me, walking down the street, origins likely Divine.
How can I flirt with myself? Hahahaha… what? That’s crazy! Should I slap my ass too? Will I be one of those people at the movies by myself?
But as the insecurities of ‘being a man’ wore off, I allowed myself to feel what it would feel like. To love myself as I truly longed to be loved. To live deeply into companionship and know there is someone watching out for me. To feel supported, invigorated, and happy.
Sure, why not. It kind of makes sense. Treat myself like I want to be treated. It’s like ‘treat others as you want to be treated,’ with a new age spin. It feels like it could work.
I committed, there that day, to celebrating love with myself, to myself.
If you close your eyes and breathe for a few moments, the world slows down.
It’s a momentary gift to yourself. To not have to be anywhere, or to be anyone. To listen to the nuance of the noises that surround you. To find the silence within.
Your heart is a room. A sacred space where the depths of love and mystery swirl in the air with a warm, glowing shimmer. This is your place. It always has been your place. You are the keeper of this heart.
In the center of this room is an alter. Whatever is on this alter is the focus of your heart, right here, right now. It is also the content of your life, right here, right now.
This magical space of your heart is a reflection of your reality. What your heart creates, the world will show you. What your heart weeps, so too your days will weep. What livens this chamber so too will awaken the Sun. All creation starts from the heart.
Because creation is love. And love is creation. All else seems to be illusion.
You are always creating your reality, whether you are conscious of it or not. It’s nothing mystical. You’ve been doing it your whole life. Your reality is the fabric woven by your imagination and your intention. And you are the weaver, watching it unfold.
If you are always creating, the question becomes, what are you creating from?
What have you imagined for your life? What intentions have you set out? What have you placed on your alter? Are these visions yours, or of the ego, or of the collective? What is the light, emanating from your heart, telling you right now?
Your desires, born of your heart, are your instructions for living.
It was the 4th Sunday of October, only a few months later.
Slightly hungover, I sat solitary brunch-style, facing a giant plate of smoked, salted brisket, collard greens, a honey-buttered biscuit and steamy, creamy coffee to the side. How could life be so dreamy?
The summer of 2021 was the best summer I could remember in my adult life. I fasted for 1-2 days at a time. I only worked around 16 hours a week, but made a wild abundance of cash. I filled my time with cigars, friends, writing, and the pure silence of Idaho hideaways.
I wasn’t focused on finding love. I was focused on feeling my best and living my best. There was no plan or agenda. I was happy. Treating myself as I wanted to be treated.
Sitting there, lining my stomach with salty fats and caffeine, I remembered a strange message I received from the week before.
The Pattern, an astrology app turned dating app, pinged me with the face of a girl waaaayyyyyy too good looking for me. We had been matched up months earlier, but somehow I was just getting a message from her now. She told me to find her on Instagram.
With willful hesitance, I searched her name in Instagram, and found nothing. That’s ok. Wasn’t meant to be. She’s a hottie, most likely with a line of men around the corner waiting for her. And she lives in San Diego. No way that would work. AND…. She’s probably just trying to build her IG followers. And I ain’t no sheep.
Another bite. Another sip. Another look out the window. Another scan around the restaurant. Another moment with me. Ahh…. This is nice.
Hmmmm, I wonder if I spelled her name wrong. Hit the Insta-search again, and still, nothing. Now I know it’s not meant to be. Whatchu doin’ anyways? Life is too good to fuck with right now. Let it be.
I finished up. Paid my tab. Sat in silence, sipping the last of my coffee.
Ok… one more time. Then that’s it. I insta-hit the insta-search, and tried one more spelling config. (searching…)
Dawn Elle Davis. That’s the girl. Damn, she’s dangerous. I followed her and sent her a DM. It’s me! The dork that followed you from an astrology dating app. No, I don’t have boundary-issues. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I think you’re gorgeous and I like what you say.
I sip my coffee, and get ready to leave. A DM back. A follow back. It’s Dawn. She’s so pretty :)
We began chatting that afternoon, almost non-stop. Who I found was a gentle, but fiery spirit, who somehow said all the things in a way that made all the sense. As if completing a DNA strand that binds the mysteries of Universe.
I felt like I had known her all my life.
We’ve talked every day since then. We’ve fallen deeper and deeper in love, every day, since then. We’ve been traveling the world and beyond. And the world, now, is changed.
But not because of Dawn.
Yes, Dawn changed my life radically. But I had to change first. I had to love myself first, in order to receive that kind of love. And while you may think that I “just may be lucky” to find love so randomly, I don’t believe in coincidence.
See, it’s no coincidence I was living my best life already. Fit as F*CK. Cashed up. Chilled out. Building beautiful friendships. Deep in my journey to knowing myself. And loving myself with an intensity I always searched for.
As long as you think the problem is ‘out there,’ you will be the victim to the vacancy in your heart.
As you assume responsibility over your own needs, and understand that you are everything you’ve been looking for, the world will begin to reflect that which you dream of.
And so I ask…
What does your heart want, right now?
And, how can you give this to yourself?