It can be an opportunity to be more of you, to grow, and find a deeper meaning in things. It’s not a fault of you or a universal judgment against your character.
It can be a magical time of freedom, joy… and yes, more love than you can imagine.
I discovered this hidden superpower, only recently.
It was hidden in years of compulsively seeking relationships. Constantly attempting to fill the gaps of insecurity and boredom within myself.
This power is the comfort of being alone. Thriving in it.
It’s the permission to not seek outside myself for love. The calming of a restless soul to be saved. It’s more than just being ok, crawling into bed by myself. It’s the amazing freedom to discover every inch of that kingsized bed throughout the night.
I began dating around 16, like most of us. It was fun in high school to hop from relationship to relationship, experimenting, and experiencing myself through others. Trying on the identities of the women I would temporarily commit to.
As I pushed through my college years, I found myself in a series of long-term relationships. All, very sweet women who I’m grateful I had the chance to spend time with.
But these relationships would eventually end, usually with me getting bored or unimpressed. Expecting more from them (have I told you expectation in relationships is futile). Never really examining myself.
The gaps between these relationships were shortening. Though, it would seem like an eternity to me. The quick-release of freedom after a breakup. Then the intense, idealistic focus on another female who could solve me. Then sweeping them off their feet so I could feel useful and loved. Then, I’m in another relationship, again.
I became more self-destructive in my mid-20’s, as the desires of having a family and children set in. Ignoring my feelings of “get out!” I told myself it was time to settle down and commit. To be responsible, to push down those silly feelings, and to be a “man.”
Feeling a bit embarrassed about being labeled a “relationship addict,” I was committed to commit. Plus, If I can simply change her to what I want, the relationship will work, right?
I got married in my early 30’s. By this point, I had awakened to some of these unhealthy relationship habits. I was done with the game and felt I had enough self-actualization to commit for the longterm.
She was absolutely wonderful, and an honest blessing in my life. Funny as hell, beautiful as beauty comes, and my Mom loved her. The full package. And she could help me solve all the things I don’t like about myself (damn sneaky expectations and magical thinking creeping in).
Years passed, and typical relationship issues took hold. Marriage counseling revealed my fears of abandonment and the inability to set boundaries. We lost common ground, tried desperately to find it, but never could again, and decided to call it quits.
I am single. But, I am not alone. My home is quiet (when my son isn’t here). I’m left to a constant stream of thinking, pondering new ideas of creating, what I want to do next, undecided about the next moment, and left exposed to my fears (with no other person to save me). It is wonderful.
Over a year of self-discovery, and I am superhuman. I kept my body clean, acknowledged the appeal of self-destructive behavior from a distance, and somehow, I walked away in a better way.
I spend time journaling, meditating, making a ton of new great friends, buying and riding expensive bikes, building new businesses, and taking up every inch of my king-sized bed. Sweet glory.
In these quiet moments, I found that relationships require a lot of energy. Yeah. Somehow I missed that, in my compulsive hopscotch across relationships. I was so focused on feeling saved and completed by another, that I never got a chance to find strength and wholeness in myself. Funny how that works.
Relationships are incredible, amazing experiences. I don’t want to give you the impression I am in denial about the wonder of being in love.
These are blessings to be cherished. Our significant partners help us to reflect, grow, experience together, and do big things like build homes, make humans and be a hangry punching bag when needed.
I can’t wait to find the woman of my dreams. But I’m in no rush.
For you, who feels trapped in a relationship or marriage…
Don’t take advice from me.
I’m a specialist in being alone, not in successful relationships.
Instead, support your single friends completely. They admire you, the union you have, and the blessings you may often forget about.
Please resist the temptation to say, “don’t worry, you’ll find one,” “you're a catch,” and “of course you’ll get married one day.” It’s a nice gesture, but when everyone says it, it kinda feels like yesterday's underwear.
Plus, reality check, not all of us actually want to get married. Or even get the chance to get married. So please stop making all of life a goal to be with someone else. It’s not true, and it doesn’t help.
Lastly, stop talking to your single friends, especially the ones who may have just gone through a divorce, how “things have been shaky at home, and I may go talk to a lawyer.” I can’t count how many friends couldn’t wait to share this information with me.
Divorce is a terrible splitting up of a family, not a vein fantasy of some greener pasture. I fully encourage exploring ways to resolve conflicts with your partner, but complaining about them isn’t one of them.
For you, who feels alone…
You are not.
You are an incredible force of life, on a path of self-discovery, empowerment, joy, and true love.
This moment is the opportunity to find greatness within yourself. Go take yourself out on a date. It’s corny af, but soooooo the truth. Enjoy your solo dinners, solo hikes into the sunset, solo sleeping, and solo thinking.
This is the time to learn. This is the time to be open to the amazing things the Universe has in store for you.
Find your superpower in being single.
Face your fears. Write about them. Meditate on it. Allow yourself to feel. Enter your room of demons, bravely push through until you find the other side, and exit that door. Don’t stop until you’ve found liberation. You’ll be surprised how quickly your fears and anxiety dissipate when you face them.
Make the most of this newfound energy. Start a new business. Travel often. Exercise and eat wonderfully (you have no bad influences to blame). Treat your body like a temple. Laugh to yourself. Love yourself. Learn a new skill. Master a new way. Live for yourself.
Have faith. In love. In yourself. In God and the Universe. Have faith that, regardless of whatever happens, you are not alone, and you are loved. You are whole. You are everything you need to be. You already have everything you need. The seeds of true peace, joy, and love have been within you all along.